13 Jun Our Unspoken Truth | Austin Boudoir Photography

 

 This is a more personal post…but it pertains to women in general as well. So, here goes.

 

There is an unspoken truth among us women, I’ve found.

 

I’ve found this because I am now one of the unlucky women that have discovered this truth for myself.

 

What’s worse than having a miscarriage? Having complications with your miscarriage. Having to be driven to the doctor office, having to wait in the lobby with healthy pregnant mothers all around, and brand new babies smiling and crying and sleeping and nursing all around you — waiting to take a shot in each hip to terminate the pregnancy, to help the miscarriage along… Because if you don’t, you run the risk of infection, losing a Fallopian Tube…or even your life.

 

Miscarriage is not talked about. And it’s extra depressing to me that it’s not talked about because it’s one of the most difficult things a woman can experience and something that is lonely and something that you need emotional support to make it through…

 

I remember when I got pregnant with Utah, my first son, I told everyone right away. I was very early on – I was maybe 4 weeks…but I didn’t care! I was too excited NOT to scream it from the rooftops.

 

I asked my friend Lorena if I should have told people yet. I wondered if I was jinxing myself. I’ll never forget her answer. She said “Of course you should tell everyone! If something were to happen…everyone would know and you would have support and love surrounding you. You wouldn’t be alone in it.”

 

I was blessed to have a healthy baby boy at the end of that pregnancy. But now? I can speak from experience. I 100% agree with Lorena.

 

I’ve had women I barely know reach out to me telling me their truth. Describing their miscarriage. And reassuring me that it does get easier. Even more intense is that I’ve had multiple close friends, and even family members, reach out and tell me their story about their miscarriage. I had no idea they’d gone through it too.

 

Why are we keeping these “secrets”?

 

Well, I have a hunch. The feelings I’ve had about it have honestly been very self damaging. And if I didn’t have my friends and family, and especially the women that have gone through this to talk with & process these feelings with — I think I most likely would feel inclined to keep it hidden as well.

 

Here are just a few of the feelings I’ve had so far:

 

• shame
• depression
• hopelessness
• guilt
• embarrassment
• feeling overwhelmed
• despair
• relief that it’s finally over — then guilt for feeling relief
• discouraged
• judged
• disappointment
• humiliation
• fear that I will only have miscarriages from now on
• anger — mostly toward my body
• confusion
• unworthiness
• desperation
• feeling less than
• jealousy…the list goes on and on and on.

 

Jen Rozenbaum of Jenerations, a photographer friend of mine, posed a question yesterday morning on her blog asking what being #shamelesslyfeminine meant to everyone. I answered her yesterday morning before I went to that awful doctor appointment yesterday afternoon. It’s crazy how much it resonates now.

 

My answer was this:

 

“Being #shamelesslyfeminine is advocating for yourself, for your body, for your choices. Using your voice. Speaking up.”

 

So, I am SPEAKING UP. I am speaking my truth. And I encourage all of my friends to do the same…when/if they’re ready.

 

We have this wonderful community of each other. We are the only ones that truly understand and can relate. We need to come together in times like these.

   

***The ultrasound photo above was from my pregnancy with Utah at 5 weeks***

   

This is my Utah now, at 3 years old.